💀 Never Say Die
A ragtag crew of misfits, one cocktail each. Everybody's got a nickname and a reputation, nobody's got any business behaving this well. Never say die.
14 recipes · swipe to flip through
The Rucker
Bitter on top, sweet at the bottom, literally. A gentian slap up front over a honeyed base, built unstirred so he softens the deeper you go. Prickly on the surface, a total marshmallow once you get past it.
Don't stir. He doesn't open up for just anyone.
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Benji
A Sazerac that went and got a philosophy degree. Rye and mezcal for the chaos, amaro for the depth, an absinthe rinse to make everyone suddenly very interested in the nature of truth. Never order two.
Never order two.
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Erix
Rarely spotted, always a legend. An espresso martini with delusions of grandeur, strong enough for the long haul and gilded enough to be immortalized in oil paint. Best served with a towel and no explanation.
Best served with a towel and no explanation.
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Delta
A martini that went to art school. Nearly all vodka, painted violet, sharpened with lemon, strong enough to be structural. Order one and the night gets fun. Order three and you become the entertainment.
Admire it before it ruins you.
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Maxine
The most refined thing on the menu, built on the one spirit that could put him in the hospital. He'll never touch it. It's perfect. Crisp gin, bright lemon, a Champagne crown, and a sweetness underneath he'd deny having. Too good for him, and it knows it. The drink ignores him right back.
Serve to literally anyone else.
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The Poodle
Knows everything, says all of it, to anyone standing still. A tequila fizz that demands so much shaking you'll pass it to the next person just for a break, and they'll pass it on. Someone please take him.
Shake till your arm gives out, then pass it on.
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Pearl
Extravagant taste, zero tolerance for a poor pour. All top-shelf spirit and no hiding place, luminous and precise, only ever as good as the person handing it to you. Served flawlessly, it's the finest thing in the room.
Serve immaculately or don't serve it at all.
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Joey
Runs a bank, runs a grill, always has a drink in hand while doing both. Smoky mezcal off the griddle, grilled pineapple, a ginger-beer fizz long enough to survive a whole cookout. The returns are high, the ice is free.
First round's on the house. He'll mention it.
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Sativa
Smart, sultry, and a touch too refined for present company. Georgia peach and warm bourbon under a sparkling top that arrives like a standing ovation. Flirting is part of her heritage, and she wields it like a birthright.
Crown it and she'll take it from there.
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Dougie
Loud, loose, and completely unashamed. Bourbon with a cinnamon burn and a ginger snap that keeps escalating. Whatever happens after the second one is officially not his problem. It's yours. Swim at your own risk.
No warning label, though there should be one.
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Matt
Collects rare whiskey and lost causes in equal measure. An Old Fashioned built the correct way, generous and warm, with a bitter edge that shows up right when you thought he was being nice. Top shelf, back-handed.
Top shelf, back-handed.
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Keith
Sharp, quick, and so fast you'll miss the joke if you blink. A crisp, bright rum sparkler, all grapefruit and tart lime, right up until someone hands him a microphone and he becomes Ursula belting "Poor Unfortunate Souls" to a room that absolutely did not ask for it. Effortlessly funny, a little ignunt, and impossible to pry the mic away from once the music starts.
Pour it tall, then hide the microphone.
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Chow
Works ten thousand jobs, spends zero dollars, quietly richer than everyone in the room. A humble highball, clean and crisp, secretly pulled from the good shelf. He will not let you leave hungry, and he will not let you see the bill.
Served with a full plate you didn't ask for.
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Stenson
Showed up years after everyone else and immediately made up for lost time. A creamy brandy Alexander, the nightcap of a man who took the long scenic route to being exactly himself and now wears it loud. The wheels went round and round for decades before he parked it and let loose. Sweet, boozy, and incapable of staying in the glass, he'll get half of it in your back seat and spend the rest of the night making very sure everyone's okay. Everyone's okay, Stenson.
Everyone's okay, Stenson. Everyone's okay.
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