💀 Never Say Die
A ragtag crew of misfits, one cocktail each. Everybody's got a nickname and a reputation, nobody's got any business behaving this well. Never say die.
16 recipes · swipe to flip through
M.R.M.F
Bitter on top, sweet at the bottom, literally. A gentian slap up front over a honeyed base, built unstirred so they soften the deeper you go. Prickly on the surface, a total marshmallow once you get past it.
Don't stir. They don't open up for just anyone.
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Benji
A Sazerac that went and got a philosophy degree. Rye and mezcal for the chaos, amaro for the depth, an absinthe rinse to make everyone suddenly very interested in the nature of truth. Never order two.
Never order two.
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Erix
Rarely spotted, always a legend. An espresso martini with delusions of grandeur, strong enough for the long haul and gilded enough to be immortalized in oil paint. Best served with a towel and no explanation.
Best served with a towel and no explanation.
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Delta
A martini that went to art school. Nearly all vodka, painted violet, sharpened with lemon, strong enough to be structural. Order one and the night gets fun. Order three and you become the entertainment.
Admire it before it ruins you.
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Maxine
The most refined thing on the menu, built on the one spirit that could put them in the hospital. They'll never touch it. It's perfect. Crisp gin, bright lemon, a Champagne crown, and a sweetness underneath they'd deny having. Too good for them, and it knows it. The drink ignores them right back.
Serve to literally anyone else.
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The Poodle
Knows everything, says all of it, to anyone standing still. A tequila fizz that demands so much shaking you'll pass it to the next person just for a break, and they'll pass it on. Someone please take them.
Shake till your arm gives out, then pass it on.
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Pearl
Extravagant taste, zero tolerance for a poor pour. All top-shelf spirit and no hiding place, luminous and precise, only ever as good as the person handing it to you. Served flawlessly, it's the finest thing in the room.
Serve immaculately or don't serve it at all.
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Joey
Runs a bank, runs a grill, always has a drink in hand while doing both. Smoky mezcal off the griddle, grilled pineapple, a ginger-beer fizz long enough to survive a whole cookout. The returns are high, the ice is free.
First round's on the house. They'll mention it.
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Sativa's Secret
Smart, sultry, and a touch too refined for present company. Georgia peach and warm bourbon under a sparkling top that arrives like a standing ovation. Flirting is part of their heritage, and they wield it like a birthright.
Crown it and they'll take it from there.
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Dougie
Loud, loose, and completely unashamed. Bourbon with a cinnamon burn and a ginger snap that keeps escalating. Whatever happens after the second one is officially not their problem. It's yours. Swim at your own risk.
No warning label, though there should be one.
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Matt
Collects rare whiskey and lost causes in equal measure. An Old Fashioned built the correct way, generous and warm, with a bitter edge that shows up right when you thought they were being nice. Top shelf, back-handed.
Top shelf, back-handed.
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Keith
Sharp, quick, and so fast you'll miss the joke if you blink. A crisp, bright rum sparkler, all grapefruit and tart lime, right up until someone hands them a microphone and they become Ursula belting "Poor Unfortunate Souls" to a room that absolutely did not ask for it. Effortlessly funny, a little ignunt, and impossible to pry the mic away from once the music starts.
Pour it tall, then hide the microphone.
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Chow
Works ten thousand jobs, spends zero dollars, quietly richer than everyone in the room. A humble highball, clean and crisp, secretly pulled from the good shelf. They will not let you leave hungry, and they will not let you see the bill.
Served with a full plate you didn't ask for.
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Stenson
Showed up years after everyone else and immediately made up for lost time. A creamy brandy Alexander, the nightcap of someone who took the long scenic route to being exactly themselves and now wears it loud. The wheels went round and round for decades before they parked it and let loose. Sweet, boozy, and incapable of staying in the glass, they'll get half of it in your back seat and spend the rest of the night making very sure everyone's okay. Everyone's okay, Stenson.
Everyone's okay, Stenson. Everyone's okay.
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The Bubba
A bourbon Paper Plane that behaves beautifully, exactly once. Aperol, amaro, and lemon keep the first one bright and well-mannered. The second one is a threat to national security. The volume climbs, the filters come off, a neighbor gets involved, and someone gently suggests you all leave, but by then two strangers have joined the group and the party has simply relocated. Bittersweet, chaotic, and not to be attempted without a pre-agreed safety word.
One is plenty. Two is a felony.
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Sassy Feet
Venezuelan rum with places to be. Warm aged rum, bright lime, and passion fruit that lands like a drumline, it refuses to sit still and neither will you. One of these and you're either signing up for a marathon or decorating the entire living room in tinsel at 2am, and nobody, including you, knows which. Served up, no ice, ever. Absolutely no ICE.
Served up, no ice. No ICE.
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